I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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