from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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