Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
