I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
