none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
