A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
