Your dad touched me again.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
