totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
