so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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