...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
