Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
