Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
