at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
