You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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