I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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