Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
