I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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