you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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