Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I want to be your penis for a week.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
