I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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