Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
