cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
