while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
