After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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