What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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