my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
