Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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