Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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