This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
