my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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