CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
