I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
