I accidentally burped into my bong.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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