Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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