Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
