i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
