So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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