She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I cut my penus on the lid.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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