I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
