I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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