Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
