Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
