Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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