Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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