my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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