i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
