I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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