The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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