This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
