We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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