Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
