Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I didn't notice because vodka
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
