it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
